On the way home from Jacqueline Novak’s sensational show, I couldn’t help thinking about the song from 2002 chick flick The Sweetest Thing. Cameron Diaz, Selma Blair, and Christina Applegate are discussing what they say to a man when his penis is first revealed to them. They rhapsodise, they fawn over him, they use all the words you’ve been told are the right ones. To pick out one choice verse: “Your penis is so hard, your penis is so large, my body is a movie, and your penis is the star.” It’s a compact and comprehensive message, and exactly what Novak’s show isn’t.
The penis is not a movie star, at least not in the macho sense that this song implies. If the penis were a movie star, in Novak’s opinion, it would be a drama queen “flopped over and sulking on the fainting couch”.
The 90-minute show (worth almost every second, in my opinion, but just something to be aware of), is stuffed full of dick jokes — but not a single one you’ve ever heard before. Novak’s coming-of-age story / philosophical treatise/rhapsody in blue (balls) is all about blowjobs.
The very start, where she likens her entrance to the stage to approaching a blowjob, is about as conventional stand-up as it gets. From there on, it’s a whirlwind journey through learning the art of oral sex to becoming an expert to confronting the haunted blowjobs of relationships past (some that might not have been “received with the nuance intended”).
She leans between storytelling and stand-up; her florid heap of metaphors would make her literary teenage self, pressed up against the café window reading Nabokov, burst with pride. And while there are worthy tangents dedicated to such topics as the unnecessary existence of a boyfriend’s father (strong agree — they should not exist) and her desire to be a ghost with between 75-85 percent opacity, the real joy comes in her fervent unravelling of the vocabulary of penis talk.
To Novak, a penis is more artist than architect — it is not erected, it fills with inspiration. And to ‘penetrate’ or ‘enter’ are both a bit much (if her body were a supermarket, the penis would be “primarily a problem in the parking lot”).
As much as she’s talking about genitalia, there is no intent to shock the audience; she isn’t attempting to induce gasps or pearl-clutching — quite the opposite, her own assessment of the ludicrous way we talk about it penises (cocks, boners, etc etc) brings an air of poise to the conversation that I’ve certainly not considered before.
Everyone and their cousin has written jokes about genitalia but no one has approached the topic with as much passion, tender-loving-care and eagerness to learn as Jacqueline Novak. And never has a comedy show delivered such a character arc as this gives to the toothy blowjob.
Jacqueline Novak: Get on Your Knees is at Leicester Square Theatre from 24th-25th June, for more information click here!
