Every month we will be inviting our readers to pitch us articles on a theme revealed in our regular newsletter. This month’s theme is Halloween and self-confessed Halloween-o-phile Simone Belshaw took the reins to share her desire for the UK to rediscover its Halloween roots… then make it slutty.
As a Canadian, I find myself confused as to how Halloween has yet to take off in the United Kingdom with the same gusto as North America. In Canada people would adorn their houses with cobwebs, lights, bloodied limbs, or even the most basic wine-mom sign proclaiming: “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a deMOM”. But here, when I speak of Halloween with all the passion of the Great Pumpkin, I am met with:
“Just can’t be bothered with it, it’s for kids”
“Stop yelling at me, I just asked if this seat was taken!”
My mother, a Brit, once tried to explain that British people didn’t like Halloween because it was “too creepy”. Then in the same breath had the audacity to explain the concept of “penny for the guy”. Lest we also forget that Samhain, one of the earliest variants of Halloween, is Celtic, and some of the greatest horror writers of all time such as Mary Shelley and Bram Stroker were British. I don’t mean to call you out to your face like this, but let’s be honest: you’re obsessed with ghosts, and it shows.
So, let’s make Halloween UK again! And yes! Our lives are interrupted in a way that I can only describe as unadulterated hell! But, and, like mine, it is a big but, you can still make it fun.
Importantly, it’s an excuse to have a good time. Whether your idea of a party is getting absolutely lit up like a Salem witch, carving a pumpkin while deep throating a bag of monster munch, or just having tea in your pyjamas, DO IT. Have a bottle of wine and facetime your friends, family, ex-partners, and former employers dressed as a sexy full english breakfast. I live, laugh, love it for you! At the very least watch Practical Magic, and pray that one day you will be as talented as whoever did the wigs on that production.
Now this is incredibly important, you may even want to meditate on these sage words to ensure that you have fully absorbed them:
Anything can be slutty if you try hard enough.
Live by it, breathe by it, get tattooed on your chest. I’m not a therapist but I have auditioned to play one on TV, and for real, all of our egos have bought a one way ticket to the bin this year. Not only do we need the likes, we require them. If you want to flat out lie and say you don’t get an immediate hit of endorphins and a bit tingly in the drawers when you see that like count rise then fine, it’s just you, me and God here judging you. Dress as anything you like, even if it’s problematic, if that’s your vibe then I’d love to see you cancelled and ostracized. You do you, hun!
Run with these words as fast as Winfred Sanderson would light the black candle and we can maybe have a merry Halloween after all.
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