What news events caught the eye of The Tomboy Tirade crew? Co-host of Asia’s biggest and only all-female comedy chat podcast, Raven from the Tomboy Tarts give her ten prickly picks for the month of May.
PRICKLY PICK #1:
Fyre Festival is set to return next year where rich Instagram kids get flown to Bahamas once more to live out their real life Lord of the Flies fantasies. VIP ticket holders will be dropped off at yet another deserted island to fend for themselves in a Battle Royale scenario, with no sleeping tents, food and beer! We are told that the organisers Ja Rule and Billy McFarland have just blown their entire 2018 budget in advance on models, planes and yachts. But have no fear, Fyre Ambassador Kendall Jenner will be standing by with a truckload full of Pepsi to quench everyone’s thirst and create world peace.
PRICKLY PICK #2:
Republican congressional leaders promised Americans they could still keep their current medical conditions once the Affordable Healthcare Care Act has been repealed. “Whatever pre-existing health condition you have now, you can absolutely continue to have it after Obamacare has been dismantled,” says House Speaker Paul Ryan. “Under our new healthcare plan, you could still have high blood pressure. You can expand that to stroke, heart attack or even cancer, which is quite trendy these days. In fact, for the majority of Americans, repealing Obamacare will significantly increase the number of medical conditions available to them and give them more options to be killed off by any one of those of those diseases.”
PRICKLY PICK #3:
Supporters of City Harvest Church from Singapore apologised profusely to the founder pastor Kong Hee for causing him to be convicted of fraud. The mood was solemn at his last sermon before the start of his prison sentence. “If only we had supported his wife Sun Ho more and bought more of her albums, then he won’t have to embezzle USD$35 million from the church’s coffers, ” said one church goer.
“I was initially confused to why Sun Ho had to spread the gospel by bumping and grinding against Wyclef in her lingerie,” said another church goer.” Then I realised she is defiling herself and sinning for the greater good. Before I used to give 50% of my salary to the church. Now I will sell my car and give 80% instead, because I am so moved by her ultimate sacrifice and the support from her husband for her Geisha pop career.” #couplegoals
Pastor’s wife Sun Ho sexes it up in China Wine, her greatest hit as of yet.
PRICKLY PICK #4:
United Airlines has just unveiled a new slogan as part of its company-wide rebranding effort.“TSA is just foreplay. If we can’t seat you, we will beat the crap out of you.” The airline spokesman says the rebranding comes as the carrier prepares to launch a new Fight Club theme for the entire fleet. The existing flight crew would be replaced by former club bouncers who are under orders to “re-accommodate” passengers in the event of overbooking. Passengers can soon choose between window seats and concussion as part of the new inflight deals.
“Either you get a pillow or a neck brace,”says frequent flyer, Tyler Durden who was recently carried off an United Airlines jet on a stretcher after he had the audacity to ask for a 180 degree reclining seat and extra leg room in the basic economy class section.” I do like my odds. And they serve a mean punch.”
PRICKLY PICK #5:
Backpackers who blow their weekly budget with too many drinks at the hostel bars have found a new way to fund their holidays – on the street in the poorest regions of the world where they would beg, busk or sell their holiday photos. But they are facing increasing competition from the actual poor people in those countries.“The locals just have a better sob story. It’s hard to compete against people who beg to buy food or raise funds for their children’s school fees “, says one of the begpackers who refused to be named. “I hope I don’t have to resort to selling off my iPhone to pay for my rent. That will be tragic.”
PRICKLY PICK #6:
With Mexico not paying, US President Donald Trump is turning to Kickstarter to raise funds for his border wall. To make everyone a winner, every backer will have his name immortalised on the biggest virtual wall that is being built right now on The White House website.
“It is going to be best Internet wall ever built. We are going to have a great wall,” said the President.
Those who give USD500 will have their names engraved on the actual bricks that will be used to build the physical wall later. The White House has yet to comment if the bricks will be made locally or imported directly from Mexico.
PRICKLY PICK #7:
Within an hour Prince Philip has died and miraculously come back to life on twitter. Take that, Jesus. The Duke of Edinburgh is retiring at 95 years old, something that our generation could only dream of. An emergency internal staff meeting was called at Buckingham Palace because he could not figure out how to tune into Eurovision with the new remote control.
PRICKLY PICK #8:
Upset that he is no longer the biggest bully in the world, North Korea Prime Minister Kim Jong-un challenges Donald Trump to a no-holds barred boxing- mixed martial arts crossover showdown at the MGM Grand Garden Arena Hotel. The self-styled black belt Taekwondo expert had plenty of practice on his own recently, chopping a few unfortunate heads over the concrete blocks after a failed missile launch test.
PRICKLY PICK #9:
Juicero CEO Doug Evans is releasing a tell-all book called Pulp Fiction about how his $120 million juicer startup became the overnight laughing stock of the Internet. New York Times reviewed it as “There is plenty of juice in this book, even if you can’t squeeze it out with your bare bands.” At USD$40, this hardcover is a value-for-money paperweight compared to its USD$400 wifi-enabled Juicero juicer counterpart.
PRICKLY PICK #10:
The Chief Mouser of Downing Street is in dire danger of losing his pawer broker position as the nation’s top cat. His arch enemy and high achiever met all his key pawformance indicators and passed his Foreign Office appurrisal with flying colours.The best schmoozer in Whitehall has friends in high places and is winning the public over to his side. Is there time for the scruffy Larry to play catch up or will dark horse Treasury Mouser Gladstone make purrlitical gains during the upcoming General Election?