How to Avoid the Naughty List

James Burns

James Burns

Once again the festive season is upon us. I don't need to remind you. Lily Allen is bringing a tear to our eye scoring the John Lewis ad. In close competition is the gorgeous Rosie Huntington-Whiteley skipping through the M&S commercial in her knickers before riding a magic carpet with David Gandy. With all this sparkle and glamour one could easily forget the true terror the festive period brings… The office Christmas party.

Unlike the afore mentioned women, I will not be oozing style and sophistication in a classic LBD and a statement red lip. No, more than likely I will be chasing unsuspecting males (who, in the normal everyday running of the office see me as the weird, dieting one) with sprigs of mistletoe.

I cannot explain why the excitement of Santa's imminent arrival forces me to behave in such a manner. But year in, year out there I am, lipstick smeared, stinking of gin, propped up against the bar with just the one shoe on after several inappropriate snogs.

Last year was not too bad (I had consumed many a mince pie in the getting ready process and lined my stomach sufficiently) but the preceding year saw me at my worst. Spying the French intern (who spoke very little English) from across the dance floor, I did what any normal, red –blooded, gin soaked woman would do as soon as the opening bars of Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas' played. Strut across the dance floor in my 7 inch heels and drag him, by his Hermes tie, into my arms for I what I thought was very sexy dancing. It was not. At one point I remember removing his tie, and placing it round my own neck in a bid to encourage thoughts in his mind of me, as Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman'. Tragically the embarrassment spilled over into the next day when he tried to ask me for his tie back. The language barrier of course caused problems and it was left up to the smug multilingual girl from accounts to loudly translate "He wants his tie back please. It was not a present."

In light of this and owing to an added maturity I seemed to have gained this year (I think it's to do with going up a few dress sizes) I have vowed not to let this party be the same. For once I shall be the one with my head held high come Monday morning, sniggering at everyone else's amorous PDAs and awkward one night stands.

To ensure this is the case I have listed a few helpful pointers for any other who tends to find themselves in the same boat come Christmas party time. Saves yourselves people, and your jobs.

• Line your stomach with mince pies. Yes, you will bloat but what are Spanx for?

• Pre warn any potential victims. They can then hide and you will exhaust yourself looking for them.

• Surround yourself with trustworthy female colleagues and gay men. I emphasise trustworthy as some will just let you do it for the gossip. I know this as I've been one of them (sorry ladies when your own life is shit and sexless, office gossip is like one big orgasm… and we all know it's true).

• Generously donate any complementary drinks and/or drinks vouchers to co workers who look like they can handle their alcohol, or your boss that hates you. It is the time for giving after all.

• Opt for ghastly underwear (the sort you would find in the bargain bin in Primark) and don't wax. No matter how drunk you get, you will remind yourself of this in the nick of time.

• Or finally ignore all of the above and have a fucking good time. Just nail the separate arrival into work the next day and arm yourself with a selection of Miniature Heroes and a festive cheeseboard to fool the rest of the office into believing you are an elf bringing the fruits of the season and not the total floozy they're sure they saw slumping off into a taxi with the office rogue.

Alex Neve is an actress/stand up with big love for pesto, gin and anything that will make her bottom appear smaller and slightly firmer. She can do a forward roll (returning to stand) and once directed Geri Halliwell to the Hermes section in Harrods. Her goal this year is to achieve her childhood dream – successfully cross monkey bars. Her personal best to date is bar two. You can follow her on Twitter HERE.

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