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Tomboy Tarts Prickly Picks: February

What news events caught the eye of The Tomboy Tirade crew? Co-host of Asia’s biggest and only all-female comedy chat podcast, Raven from the Tomboy Tarts give her ten prickly picks for the month of February.

PRICKLY PICK #1:

The next movie in Fantastic Beasts franchise will feature Hedwig Senior, the bisexual great-great grandfather of Hedwig, Harry Potter’s owl. Director David Yates promises fans that he will address the owl’s sexuality when asked if the movie will make it clear if Hedwig Senior was queer. “He is an maverick and a rebel and a very inspiring teacher to young Snowy Owls. But Hedwig Senior is very aware that he has to lead a double life to avoid running fowl of the authorities.”

PRICKLY PICK #2:

United Airlines has changed its policy for emotional support animals to allow unicorns onboard. Passengers are expected to provide veterinary health records and documents to support that their emotional support unicorn is an actual unicorn. “The airline’s increased requirements for emotional support animals will help to reduce fraud” said the UA spokesperson. “Anyone who turns up with a Shetland pony with a carrot struck on its head will be not be allowed to board the plane.”

PRICKLY PICK #3:

Donald Trump’s latest TripAdvsior reviews about some African, Central American and Caribbean countries are going viral and everyone is confused. The US President has never set foot in Haiti or any of those countries before. Under the title “Haiti is a shithole,” he rated the entire country one star. “Someone tweeted me a photo of his country. Green hills, palm trees in the sunset, and sparkling turquoise water – Who cares? You cannot play golf in the sea. Our Donald Grill sells the best taco bowls in the world but it is not available in Haiti. What are all these people going eat when they watch Superbowl? Sad.”

PRICKLY PICK #4

Laundry Detergent Tide Pod has released a new range to Tide Pod look-like candy to teach teenagers the basic principles of what is edible and what is evidently not. “Eat our candy but not the laundry pods,” said the company spokesperson, Candy Wash.

PRICKLY PICK #5

Pop icons Spice Girls are set to unite with a mannequin of Victoria Beckham. “Victoria doesn’t want to sing anymore so we decide to replace her with a mannequin. We don’t think the fans will notice the difference.”

PRICKLY PICK #6

Theresa May has confirmed that the European Union referendum will be held every year on 23rd June. Speaking in the parliament last Saturday, the Prime Minister laid out her plans. “The EU referendum will carry on annually until we obtain a clear win for remaining in the EU. Once that is achieved, we will continue our position in the EU as if Article 50 had never existed.” She did not rule out the possibility that the referendum could continue indefinitely, even when there is no more EU left. “It will become a new tradition, like Christmas.”

PRICKLY PICK #7

The fate of the world will be decided in the male’s figure skating event of the Winter Olympics. All eyes are on the high-stakes competition as the Pyongyang winner gets a gold medal and access to the nuclear codes to blow up the world. The South Koreans are worried about potential sabotage by North Korean leader Kim Jong Un while. America has Nathan Chen who can land 10 quadruple jumps and shoot flames from his blades. In the meantime, North Korea is pulling out all stops to mass distract the world with its army of beauty (cheerleaders).

PRICKLY PICK 8

In the wake of the #MeToo Campaign campaign, more men are signing up for classes for how to behave decently around women. “Thanks to PC Brigade, even innocuous gestures like hugging and shaking hands can be sexual harassment,” said an unnamed student. “Today I learnt that grabbing a woman’s shoulder from behind or smacking their butt is no longer acceptable, unlike the good old days.”

PRICKLY PICK #9

Romance has taken a backseat this year as sales of flowers and chocolates have dropped for Valentine’s day this year. “Women are looking beyond 50 shades,” said psychologist Pandora LoveGood. “They realise there is nothing more romantic than being your boss.”

PRICKLY PICK #10

Larry the Cat denied all allegations that he was the one who peed on the Bayeux tapestry. Urine marks were discovered on the historical tapestry that was on loan from the French government. This news was followed by recent rumours about how his upstair canine neighbours Rex and Oscar had let 10 Downing Street go to the dogs in a wild lunar new year bash to welcome in the “Year of the Da Bitch.”