Tomboy Tarts Prickly Picks: November

What news events caught the eye of The Tomboy Tirade crew? Co-host of Asia’s biggest and only all-female comedy chat podcast, Raven from the Tomboy Tarts give her 10 prickly picks for the month of November.


Blake Shelton is voted the sexiest men alive after the great sexy plague of 2017 wiped out all the other attractive men on the Earth, including the entire male cast of Thor Ragnarok. “He will have to do,” said a representative from People Magazine. “We ran out of eligible men.”


After bakery chain Greggs replaced Jesus with a sausage roll for its new Christmas campaign, atheists start to become increasingly open to Christianity now that humble snack is the centrepiece of the religion. “I have never believed in the existence of God because there is no tangible evidence for his existence,” says new convert, James Green. “But I know sausage rolls are real. I have seen them, touched them and eaten them. Sausage rolls have been my saviour when I was poor, hungry and down on luck. I am now a mission to promote sausage rolls as the number one food in UK and convert more believers to the cause.”


Whatsapp users swarmed to Facebook and used its Safety Check feature to mark themselves safe in during the extended Whatsapp outrage of 2017. Up to 100 people have collapsed and died worldwide after they were unable to forward their death chain message in time to 10 other people. However, all of them were revived back to life once the messaging service came back online again.


Don’t you hate it when your life source is unknowingly sucked out of you by a psychic vampire as you go about your day? Fear no more, Goop has just the product for you to keep the Vitamin D-deficient Edward Cullen and his sparkly Twilight squad at bay. Who needs a stash of garlic in the kitchen when you can now buy a psychic vampire repellent at an affordable price of USD$30?


As the list of the sexual misconduct allegations against power players in Hollywood continues to grow, manager John Doe wondered how the likes of Harvey Weinstein and Louie C.K. are able to get away with such disgraceful behaviour. “How is this allowed to happen in 2017?” says a perplexed Doe who reportedly refused to take action against the workplace harassment at his own office. “I get that he is powerful. People are afraid. But they should speak up, even if it is difficult, so that we can stop men like him.”


Michael Bay, the director behind all your movie induced migraines is now producing a live-action Dora the explorer movie. “I believe I can can draw more boys into the franchise, even though there is no need for it,” claims Bay. “So we aged her up to a Megan Fox look-alike teenager living in city with Diego.” He also has not one, not two, but 14 Transformer movies that existed in story form. “If my studio cranks them out once every two years, I would have enough movies to last all our lifetimes before the actual Transformers take over.”


US President Donald Trump came close to blows with North Korea leader Kim Jong-Un after they both called each other names at a recent playground spat. “I tried to be his friend,” tweeted Trump. “We both like big monster trucks, so I get my CIA set us up on a play date. But Jong-Un refused to share his new toy tractor with me. So I call him short and fat.”


After the latest round of minister resignations, the House of Commons voted unanimously to downgrade Larry the cat’s prized sleeping spot, from the spacious Cabinet to a more suitably termed ‘chest of drawers’. “With all the recent scandals, there is hardly space left in the government, isn’t it?” said a Labour MP. The Downing Street cat insisted he is still sleeping well in spite of Brexit challenges and smaller napping quarter.


The Academy Awards is looking for an experienced exorcist to fend off the ghost of Harvey Weinstein past at the Oscar Awards next year. The film producer may have been banished for sexual misconduct but his presence is haunting the entire Hollywood.  The pre-Oscar fever is virtually non-existent right now. “What Oscar race? It’s more like a limp,” complained an industry insider. “Nobody’s talking or hyping up films anymore. It is all Weinstein these days.” The organisers are anxious to stop a catastrophic demonic possession by the spirit of their notorious ex-member when alleged offender Casey Affleck shows up to present the Best Actress award.


Boston Dynamics’ Atlas robots can now perform backflips and other parkour moves. A new gymnastics team consisting of these future world destroyers, is being assembled to take part in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. “That’s one backflip for robot, one giant leap for the revolution.”