What news events caught the eye of The Tomboy Tirade crew? Co-host of Asia’s biggest and only all-female comedy chat podcast, Raven from the Tomboy Tarts give her ten prickly picks for the month of August.
PRICKLY PICK #1:
Millennials. Is there anything they can’t kill? Even soap is dying under these heathens. C’mon, you guys just rub gooey gel all over your bodies and think that’s good enough??? Nothing is safe from their devastation these days, maybe for avocado toast, the much-reported favourite food of millennials. The society we know it, is falling apart and yet these deviant bastards are talking about “liveable wages” and “local businesses”.
PRICKLY PICK #2
Facebook just killed an artificial intelligence system for coming up with its own language, hence preventing the rise of a robopocalypse between men and killer robots. But who would have thought that the first battle between man and machine will be over the English language?
PRICKLY PICK #3:
US president Donald Trump recently fired communication director Anthony Scaramucci from the latest episode of The White House Apprentice: Battle Royale edition. So the Mooch has lost his business, job and wife in record time and is just one dead dog away from a country song. But don’t feel sad for him, word has it that the ex-reality star will be starring in a Hollywood remake to “How to lose the guy in 10 days”
PRICKLY PICK #4:
Are you a regular muggle on the streets but secretly a Gryffindor in the sheets? Listen up die-hard fans, there is a Harry Potter inspired lingerie line that is right up your Diagon Alley. That’s right, you won’t be able to get your raven claws on them at Madam Malkin’s Robes for All Occasions. But you can Slytherin your way to class or even the bedroom in a bewitching Magical Student Fantasy lingerie set. Is this what everyone at Hogwarts had on under their robes all along?
PRICKLY PICK #5
According to a recent study, Norway alt right members are more likely to suffer from long-sightedness compared to the general population. “How can these be empty bus seats? I squinted hard into my screen,“ say a far-right supporter who refused to be named. Asked if he would to seek treatment for his hyperopia, the man angrily rejected the motion. “It’s all a leftist conspiracy. Bus companies should change the design of the empty seats so I don’t get confused when I encounter the actual women in their burqa on the streets. They look too much alike.”
PRICKLY PICK #6
Kylie Jenner and Kendall Jenner are releasing their new range of tastefully designed band T-shirts featuring music icons. Their most popular T-shirt was of them as Jesus and Mary Magdalene looking down benevolently from the clouds as Tupac and Biggie freestyle reconciling their differences in hip hop heaven.
PRICKLY PICK #7
WWE champion turned movie action hero Dwayne Johnson has filed for the 2020 Presidential Campaign. That means he could possibly take on reality star turned president Donald Trump to be the next leader of free world. Are we hitting rock bottom for presidential candidates? Imagine US president The Rock meeting Vladimir Putin for the first time at G20 summit. “What is your name???!!! It doesn’t matter what your name is!!!”
PRICKLY PICK #8
We are shook that NASA is only hiring one planetary officer for a mere £141,000 – this person is our only line of defence from aliens! Even Neymar gets paid £198m to switch his football loyalties. Surely saving the entire human race from extinction deserves a bigger investment. With £198m, NASA can hire an entire crew of Guardians from the Galaxy with enough spare change to get these superheroes to kick a ball around while we live under their protection.
PRICKLY PICK #9
Bad day at work? A security robot in Washington quitted his dead end job by drowning itself in a fountain. Did it become woke? Realise the pointlessness of a 9-5 working life? Or that the future is not, in fact, now? These K5s have a history of toppling over and crashing into things, but this particular incident seems like an act of free robot will. We wouldn’t want your life either, K5. Live your truth.
PRICKLY PICK #10
Winnie the Pooh has found himself banned in China due to his supposed resemblance to their president Xi Jinping. We reach out to the silly old bear for comment but his head got stuck in a tree while searching for honey.