2014 Funny Women Awards finalist Samantha Baines is probably one of the busiest women in comedy, you’ve heard her on her radio show, Baines Plus One, she’s appeared in films and TV shows, including Call the Midwife and The Crown, performed her sell out show 1 Woman, A Dwarf Planet and 2 Cox at Edinburgh Festival Fringe, is about to perform her new show 1 Woman, A High Flyer and a Flat Bottom at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe (all the while trying to woo Brian Cox) and now she’s written a book!
Poentry is a collection of silly poems from a comic who doesn’t believe we should be po-faced, about life, amazing women and the very strangest news stories from the last few years.
Engaged to be…
Engaged to me has changed its meaning,
We’ve broken through the relationship ceiling,
Engaged: no longer a toilet’s warning,
Now a commitment and a jewel worth pawning.
A finger on my left is suddenly full,
I feel it’s promise and the future’s pull,
Sparkles and love and Years and days,
Drifting along in this happy haze,
There has never been so much champagne to drink,
And congratulations supplied with a wink,
What does it mean, this addition to my hand?
Well mainly it means there’s a wedding to be planned!
House vs Home
A house is made of bricks and mortar,
And needs a good supply of electricity and water,
But a home isn’t about any of that,
It’s not even about the novelty doormat,
A home welcomes you as soon as you arrive,
It’s the hing you look forward to on a long drive,
It’s safe and happy and cosy and warm,
It shelters you in a raging storm,
A joyful place for family and friends,
A place to store all of life’s loose ends.
Homes come in all shapes and sizes,
Flats and houses and other guises,
All that matters is that it’s home for you,
And somewhere you feel comfortable having a poo.
Madonna: The Fall
Whiplash (not the film) is what you will get,
If you fall off a stage during your set,
At the Brits no less, that musical place,
But don’t worry Madge you haven’t lost face,
Pulled down the stairs by your horny dancers,
Did the cape malfunction? we are looking for answers.
“Strike a pose”, you say – but not on the floor,
I wonder if you were aiming for a hidden trap door,
Two decades you waited to perform at the Brits,
Well you put on a show and didn’t call it quits,
A true pro, post-fall you didn’t miss a beat,
Within seconds you were back up on those stilettoed feet,
We know, you’ve warned us, you are a material girl,
But I’d think twice before giving stairs and capes another whirl.